2005-02-11 - 9:28 p.m.
i've been phenomenonly unhappy, and it's so depressing!
i have a good list of reasons to be sad and frustrated, but it seems like i'm always depressed anyway.
my grandmother died a couple weeks ago, and that brings me great sadness. i miss her and i regret not being able to visit her more often and talk to her (she spoke only german).
i just feel terrible about her death, and i don't know how to grieve her. i feel sad about it, but i always feel sad. how can i know that my tears are for her?
i really dislike student teaching in the middle school. i think it is boring and i don't think i'm very good at it. i mean, i do an okay job, but not an excellent job. the kids seem to like me, but they don't love me. i'm not going to be a significant aspect of their lives. i feel that teachers should be excellent, and not just ok. thats what kids deserve.
in addition to my daily 8+ hours of doing something i kind of hate, the schedule is messing up the rest of my life. i have to get up at 5:30 in the morning, way before Brian is ready to get up. i have to tiptoe around in the dark - it can be very lonely. maybe it will be better when the sun rises earlier.
getting up early means i get tired early, and have to go to bed early. i barely see Brian at all after i get home. i basically stuff my face, lie comatose in front of the tv for a couple hours, and then fall asleep around 9:30. i can't go out thursday nights anymore, and friday nights i've been spending at home trying to catch up on my sleep.
Brian works weekends, which means i hardly ever see him. most nights, i'm asleep before he gets home.
i feel like total shit. i have no energy to do anything when i get home from my very ungratifying unpaid job. i feel like i'm wasting my life.
