2004-08-30 - 5:18 p.m.
strangeness - i just found out that refusal is a dude. ive been reading his diary on and off for many months now, and for some reason i thought it was a woman writing. weird how that changes things slightly. like at the optometrist, when the doctor keeps flipping lenses around; the difference in vision is infuriating and barely perceptible.
today marks the beginning of my semester. i had an eleven o'clock meeting this morning with professor weimer and chelsea. chelsea and i will be the professor's writing fellows this year. the writing fellows is a highly respectible, incredibly prestigious undergraduate honors program. (gag) the people who run writing fellows are so full of themselves. they're always telling us how great we are and how precise the selection process is. hardly! i was chosen for grades, good writing, and appropriate presentation of myself in an awkward interview. but what i do as a fellow is conference with people about their papers. that is a tricky skill im still not sure i actually have, and is basically unpredictable based on the acceptance criteria.
anyway, so there was the meeting. the professor was so generically professor-ish. he was of that gray, wise old age. he was slightly nerdy, yet irritatingly energetic. he talked a lot and we nodded a lot. he presented us with a two page, single-spaced explanation of all his writing pet peeves.
self-conscious thoughts for that moment in time: 1) chelsea likes me better today than the day i met her because i am wearing contacts instead of glasses. my glasses are very strong (-12) and so they are thick and make my eyes look rather small. either i actually look terrible in my glasses, thereby frightening people, or my bad feelings about myself somehow permeate the air space between us, thereby frightening people. but i swear chelsea liked me better today. 2) i am a profound loser whom everyone looks down upon, especially professors. when people ask me what my plans are, i always get defensive. i say things like, "oh i'll teach high school for a few years, and then go to grad school." when people hear i'm going to teach, they often say, "that's great!" in enthusiastic voices which i usually interpret as patronizing. god, i am so hung up on this! i need to get over it, or never talk to anyone with more than a bachelor's degree again.
after that first official business of the semester, i went to the copy shop to see if i could pick up any course packets before the big rush on thursday. then i made an appointment to get new contacts. i shopped around a bit for new frames, but didnt find much. those cool plastic frames look good on me, but they sit too low on my face because my nose is such a cute little button, and plastics dont have adjustable nose pads. shitty.
i hung out at the union waiting for brian to go to lunch with me. of course i cracked and bought some chips, but they were baked not fried, so i felt ok about it. im still reading leslie marmon silko's "almanac of the dead."
brian tried to help me look for frames. too bad he sucks at stuff like that. hes too indecisive and he doesnt know how to hand out the necessary (tho perhaps empty) compliments. i was very down and frustrated when we left the store. i sulked all through lunch, mad about stupid glasses and my stupid thick lenses. also mad at brian for being so inept at making me feel better.
later i went to a different store, where a saleslady helped me find glasses that actually worked well. i was all excited. strangely, when i came back with brian just an hour later, the glasses didnt seem so attractive after all.
well i am home now. being out in the sun, marching around town really wears on me. i think im going to wait til sunset, and then go for a run.
