2004-11-20 - 10:52 p.m.
i should be in med school by now.
i'm too goddamn booksmart to be a fucking teacher.
my dad told me today that when i was 18, he dragged me to the UW medical school to pick up an application for the med scholars program. i have no memory of this.
when i was 16 or 17, this stupid punk kid made me doubt the dream id always had, to be a doctor, a neurologist to be exact. stupid punk kid. i forgot why, but i told him i wanted to be a doctor, and he was all, "thats dumb." and i was so dumbfounded that someone would not lick the toes of such a fabulous dream, that i didnt even deeply think about why he said it. just that he said it was enough. just that my dream could be doubted and invalidated was enough.
i began to doubt everything. it was part of a larger process, involving more people than that one little punk dude. but that moment sticks out in my mind as symbollic of the biggest rut of my life.
i justified to myself why being a doctor could be a stupid idea, and i began to believe it. what the fuck was i thinking? how could i pass up the med scholars program, and forget all about it? that would have been so perfect for me! book smart, top scores me.
id like to think that the rut of my life, between ages 17 and 21, was some kind of metacognitive breakthrough antisocial ephiphany. but it was not anything that fabulous. it was simply yet another manifestation of my personal self-hatred.
i was good at school. that is what i had for myself. and i let people tell me that that was stupid. that that was not good enough. that that was not valid.
i believed it from my friend who pretended school was bunk, and then secretly studied her ass off. shes going to be a doctor now.
i believed from all my classmates who cheated and groaned their way through school.
i believed from my boyfriend, the only kid to show real love for me. he encouraged me not to do homework, as if this not doing would some how engender a personal revolution.
I WANT TO TAKE MY 17-21 YEAR OLD SELF AND SHAKE HER TILL HER BRAIN IS COVERED IN BRUISES.
i went through all that shit, all that loneliness and self-hatred and self-misconceptions, only to learn that i am smart, book smart, and i need to be doing something more focused with my life. im right back where i started, back in the sixth grade when i had a 102 average in my social studies class.
im so pissed about this. how my own self-doubt and reliance on external approval shoved me down into such a shit hole.
i find myself craving calculus and chemistry. i want that discipline of mind back. i want that energy and drive and passion for knowledge back.
AND I DONT CARE IF STUDYING ON A SATURDAY NIGHT IS PATHETIC. ITS WHAT IM FUCKING GOOD AT AND IM GOING TO STICK WITH IT GODDAMNIT.
i hated myself so much i tried to turn myself into something i wasnt.
