2004-08-29 - 5:00 p.m.
i went for a run last night. i guess the olympics inspired me, along with a profound feeling of depression. i didnt end up following up on either of my cravings (friends or drugs). so of course i had no way to avoid the terrible self-absorbed black hole.
when these emotions seep out of me, there usually is no good reason. my life is pretty much the same from one day to the next, yet my feelings about it waver drastically. im convinced its 90 percent chemical. i must be chemically deficient in some way. first i feel badly, and then i find reasons to feel badly.
the run was terrible, but it was a good start. i think im going to go again today, in about an hour. i even started a second diaryland diary, where ill keep my new running log. (username gazelle-log). "gazelle" is supposed to inspire a new self image, or an old self uncovered.
why did i stop running? i was about 20 when it stopped. school stopped it all, as far as i can remember. except for the eating disorder troubles, my life was deliciously simple and focused before i returned to school. i ran everyday, i wrote awful poems, i kissed my new boyfriend. (is he the only remaining piece of that old charmed life?) just weeks after my classes started, i crumbled under the pressure. i could thereafter only be found holed up in my room with my books and high expectations, feeding on oreos and flourescent lighting.
in the past 3 years, i tried many times to get back into running. usually an early injury or laziness cut it short. i also got the idea in my head the running will cause my boobs to sag. is this true?!?!
i tried to fall in love with the efx machine, but to no avail. running made me high, running made the world glow and shimmer. running forced me to admit, "i dont hate myself today." the efx machine never did that for me. ive been devoted to that elliptical trainer, but never with passion, never with true desire.
so im going to give running another go. even after last nights horrible first run, my depression was greatly alievated for several hours.
i guess im just trying to find that magical equation that will solve my unhappiness issues. what is the theory now? something like: boyfriend + moderate intellectual stimulation + splash of wildness + yoga classes + solitary runs + puppies + financial security + family ties = happiness. something like that.
