2004-09-05 - 7:15 p.m.
dad came to town today to bring the bed frame we built together. it looks really beautiful, especially in my sunny bedroom, where the grain of the black walnut shows in the light. i designed it, and dad did most of the actual building. its just a mission style design, with only small little variations.
putting the bed together was a little weird. brian was there. i kept calling it my bed or the bed, when really it is our bed. its just weird setting up your fuck nest with your dad. its even weirder building your fuck nest with your dad, and having him say things like, oh this construction will really hold up well.
life is weird like that. sex everywhere, and hardly ever welcome.
last night i went for a run. it was almost a normal run, im almost in good enough shape now to call myself a runner. i only ran three miles. six or seven miles were always my best runs. i think i might train myself for a 10K or a half-marathon. runners world has lots of good info for free online. running is like zoloft, but better, because it enhances sexual drive rather than muting it.
after my run i went to lisa's party. i've lied my way out of two other invitations from her, and i didn't want to strike out forever. i walked down there at about ten or so. i was a little nervous, but i figured the worst that could happen would be that id just leave. and the best that could happen would be to meet new friends. well the whole thing turned out to be an iso (intnl socialist org) thang. which wasn't so bad. i managed to find other non-iso people to talk to for a little while. still, it was hard to ignore all the "literature" and heavy political conversation. i slipped out by midnight.
i was kind of drunk, even though all i had was a very foamy cup of beer and a brandy old fashioned lisa made for me. i put some music on at a low, non-obnoxious volume and sat out on the front porch. there wasnt a lot to see, but it felt nice to be out in the cool night air.
i find myself fantasizing a lot about running into people. definately a sign of isolation and loneliness. i will be walking the long way home or downtown, and imagine bumping into an old friend or classmate or student. i construct entire dialogues and scenes complete with body language. when i approach our new house, i fantasize that our neighbors will be out on their porch, so i can say hi and have a beer with them. im afraid of adulthood. it seems like the further i get from high school, the harder it is to make good friends. the further i get from the dorms, from downtown, the more indifferent and anonymous the neighbors become.
my parents never had any friends, and maybe thats what i fear. brian said today that he wants to meet the downstairs people too. sometimes i do have a chance to go talk to them, but i feel weird about going by myself to talk to three unknown men. plus they are always smoking up, and they will probably think im a square.
i stopped by the big orange house twice, to see if dan really lives there. thats what chris told me. but his name isnt on the mailbox, so i chicken out. i only stop by because i walk that way all the time.
ive given up on trying to hang out with chris. hes not going to be my new erik, thats for sure. i dont know what the cycling pattern is going to be with him. once a month? every two months? eventually he will miss me and call me, but i have no idea how long it will take. i realized in the past few weeks, after calling him a few times and dropping by, that our cycle is going to be longer than i'd like. i always suspected that he didn't have much respect for me outside of girlfriend priveleges anyway.
well im going to get ready for my run now. ive noticed that i dont feel quite as lonely or depressed when i stick to running.
