2004-08-28 - 5:28 p.m.
why wont chris be erik? ?
today is not the best day. nicole ritchie once said, "how do you fix your loneliness?" a suprisingly profound statement considering the source.
id really like to do some dxm. but i try to avoid lonely drug binges. plus then i wont be able to drive. im thinking about inviting people over, and some of them would need a ride.
so dxm now or friends later? but theres no guarantee that they would come. and theres no guarantee i will actually call anyone.
i told myself i wouldnt watch tv today, not even the olympics. tv just lets me forget myself. things build up and fester, and dont show up til the tv gets turned off. or maybe during a commercial break.
im pretty sure my IQ has dropped about five points a day all summer long.
i fixed stuff up around the house. i set up a meeting with my co-fellow and the professor. i mopped. i fielded a j-call. she was depressing as usual, but i just kept doing my little chores while she talked, so it wasnt so bad.
i really wanted to go for a walk. about 3 or so, i saw that there was good sun coverage, nice bland gray sky. it was much cooler. it would be so nice to walk without burns or sweat stains. i packed up the bag sara made me; a postcard to send her, a couple books, some checks to deposit in the atm, music (aesop rock and neutral milk hotel).
after a couple blocks, i was feeling better. aesop rock is so actively, aggressively pissed off, he usually picks me up a little. it started raining, slowly at first. sigh. if only i didnt have that bag with me. this must be why i never carried purses or bags around before. i dont care if i get wet, but my books are another story.
i knew chris was probably working at a sandwich shop nearby, so i ducked my head in. he was there, all frenzied with orders, his finger bleeding from a cut. the shop is cozy and nice. i felt pretty comfortable sitting there reading and staring out the window. chris was nice too when it wasnt as busy, tho kind of distant.
i realized today that i want him to be erik. erik is in california now. erik was like my perpetual shoulder to lean on, a big bean bag to sink into. erik always welcomed me, or maybe just tolerated me. i could always hang out with erik, no matter what mood i was in. i could just sit next to him on the coach, with my head on his arm. or i could talk a little, and listen to him talk more and more. wow i miss him a lot now.
and chris wont be him! jerk.
