2006-01-02 - 10:04 a.m.
i may or may not be in love with eric - but i would say i am. either that or i have an amazing constant body buzz that is intoxicating my brain.
i spent new years eve and the next day with him. i arrived at his place sat afternoon to take a nap with him. then he helped me pick out something "nice" to wear because i was kind of freaking out about it. he is very very patient and has an excellent sense of humor, which is perfect for dealing with neurotic me.
then his friends started coming over, and the food was being prepared. his roommate kelly made me a cosmo, and things flowed pretty smoothly for me from then on.
we went to the annex (a bar) to see eric's friends band play, and a couple others. on the way, i kept trying to make nice with his friends, since they seem pretty important to him.
the annex was ok, i wasn't really into the band(s). ive been over the whole 'punk' thing for awhile now, and the music was too simplistic and derivative to be very inspiring for me. plus eric's ex was there, and i avoided her like the plague. i allowed her a very wide range to storm around in - kept my distance. its sad because we used to be friends.
things were strained as i balanced making friends with erics friends (thanks goodness for wellbutrin huh) and avoiding the angry ex. eric was totally fabulous about hanging with me, but somehow still keeping me involved and managing to talk to everyone he knew.
i hope im as good for him as he is for me.
finally luke and greg came by, and i had some folks to really talk to. those guys have become tight friends. when the ex cornered eric while i was in the bathroom, and trapped him for what seemed like forever, greg held his pee and stayed with me until it was over.
i didnt ask eric what went on between them, but he pulled me aside right away to tell me anyway. he kept talking about how great i am (and not crazy like the ex who cant seem to get over him) and i think he almost did the i love you thing. i am glad he stopped himself, because it wasnt the most romantic place to do such a thing, and im not sure what i wouldve been able to say back.
i was feeling guilty all week about making the ex upset simply by existing. i missed out on going out friday night, just to give her some space. i avoided her all night on new years eve. but now that i think about it, she is the big bitch. i mean, for the second time, she threw herself at MY boyfriend. that is fucking trashy if you ask me.
i need to consult some folks about my new theory. its nice not to feel so guilty, and to transfer my animosity onto someone besides myself. (sarcasm)
i also found out that night that eric and the ex did it in lukes bathroom during her going away party. this was just back in july i believe, a couple months after they broke up. this information sickens me - because of the bathroom and because i have always had very little respect for the obnoxious ex who was never much good for me outside of brainless drunken gatherings.
this disturbing info also inspired in me the first pangs of jealousy and doubt. i'd managed to keep a kind of emotional distance from eric and his past and any feelings of possessiveness over him, but i am afraid that that irrational counterproductive desperation may be rushing straight towards my heart and gut and broken record internal monologue.
