2005-01-01 - 4:56 p.m.
today i feel the urge to become a housewife. today i also feel really depressed and worthless. i wonder if there's some kind of connection there.
i've spent the last five hours in constant motion, cleaning and tidying up the apartment. i barely made a dent. little particles of dirt are always flying through the air and landing on the floor, tables, counters, shelves, everything. everything is always in a state of getting dirtier.
brian and i have more stuff than space to put it. i find it so frustrating. i used to be a total minimalist. i was proud that everything i owned fit into a toyota corolla, with space for one passenger.
i'd keep as much stuff as i could on my computer, like my diary. i'd avoid buying books when i could borrow them from the library or a friend. i didn't have any furniture or pots and pans.
brian seems to have way more crap than i do. a lot of it is art stuff. but some of it is so unneccessary. like, what the hell does he need canning supplies and brewing equipment and mushroom growing stuff for? someday he wants to can, brew beer, and grow gourmet mushrooms, but that obviously isn't going to happen anytime soon. ugh.
anyway, i decided that i'm a total lost cause, and that i'd be better off as a housewife. of course, being with an artist makes that totally impossible. but really i feel like such a loser. i feel like i waste any bit of intelligence, potential, or talent i have. i might as well just stay home and clean and cook.
