2005-05-01 - 10:39 a.m.
i've just finished reading and commenting on my eleven Writing Fellows papers. (other undergraduate students give me their papers before handing them into the professor, so that i can give them writing tips for improvement.)
i feel okay today, but Thursday, Friday, and even Saturday morning, I was racked with insecurity, anxiety, and hopelessness. it was so weird. i feel better now, maybe because i'm basically done with reviewing the papers, or maybe because i had healthy dose of fun and social life yesterday.
i think my brain is very very sick and strange. i just could not shake my bad feelings during those three days. my body felt rotten, like my arteries were full of some kind of acid or poison. my brain felt foggy and unclear and distracted.
when these things happen, i feel like all i can do is wait them out. i can calm myself down with some behavioral therapy techniques, and some "positive self talk" or meditation. but, i can't get back to normal. i can't get to happy and sane. i just have to wait.
i wonder if this medication is going to make me better.
brian and i are most likely staying in madison for the next year. my mom seems disappointed because she wants us to move in with her. i'd do it - but brian has issues with the cats and with his need for the UW ceramics studio.
we're looking at apartments. i really don't want to move!
i'm feeling nervous about graduating and becoming an actual adult. i wonder where my money will come from. i'll probably just get a substitute teacher position, but i've heard that it's unreliable, and hard to really get work five days a week. other than that, i have the library job, but that doesn't offer insurance or more than part-time hours.
just six more weeks at the middle school. maybe then i can figure everything out. i wonder when my life will stop feeling like hurdles.
