2004-12-17 - 9:06 p.m.
last night i was faced with the bitchiness of my truest self. ick. there are certain aspects of me that make me so sick, so disappointed, so irritated.
some girls from my english-teacher classes organized a holiday party last night. i was supposed to go. and this is a group of sixteen, so my absense would likely me noticed.
i decided a few days ahead of time that i wouldn't go. the invitation said "dress to impress," and i had no idea what to wear. when i go out, i go to the kind of bars where you throw your peanut shells on the floor.
the invitation also encouraged bringing friends. that made me self-conscious, because i have so few friends, and whenever i try to "mix" friends, it turns out very awkward and awful. brian did not want to go with me. so then i'd have to go alone to a party i didn't want to go to in the first place.
so i didn't go. and i felt good about that for a little while. i forgot all about the party, and sat happily on the sofa watching the apprentice and knitting an xmas gift. brian and i even went out for frozen custard.
but when we got back, there was a message blinking on the machine. someone from the party called for me. weird. suddenly i felt really really guilty. i always do this. i always let my fear overtake me and use it as an excuse not to go to parties. and then, in the end, who gets hurt? the people who invited me get hurt. i hurt their feelings when i do this, and i do this for entirely selfish reasons.
why am i so afraid of people? why have i become such a hermit? why do i love being a hermit?
last night was a perfectly lovely night for me, save the guilt-laden answering machine message. i think there is something wrong with my brain. normal people like other people. normal people would rather socialize than knit all night.
i've been trying to calculate exactly how much "people" i need on a regular basis. i'd say that i need a few casual encounters everyday, as in purchasing things from store clerks, taking messages for roommates, and participating in class. on a weekly basis, i probably need at least a couple longer encounters, like a five-minute phone conversation, a long email, shopping with a friend, or studying with someone. in terms of parties and major social events, i think i'm satisfied with one event every month or two.
weird weird kid i am.
