2004-09-01 - 1:47 p.m.
oooo i have to peeee! but my dumb roommate, c.e., is in the bathroom. im trying really hard not to resent the fact that he is living here with brian and me. im trying to just ignore him as much as possible, and pity him in a polite way whenever i am forced to interact with him. he is so miserable. hes like a dark stormy cloud. but not as powerful as a storm. more like a dark sooty cloud. im afraid of him. where-ever lies such rotten and neglected life, violence and destruction is sure to brew. brian doesnt seem to notice how bad off c.e. is. but i see it. i feel it whenever he is in the apartment, which thank god is only a few days a week, he never leaves the place when he is here.
yesterday c.e. waltzed right into my room. no knock. he just appeared in my room holding mail for me. i had to really hold back, not to snap at him. i have a sheet hanging in one of my two doorways, because that door doesnt close all the way. he just pushed the sheet aside and came in. i was so mad! i couldve been naked! or sleeping! or masturbating! or having sex! or just existing in what i thought was a private space!! i told him, as firmly as possible, avoiding shrieking tones, DO NOT EVER DO THAT AGAIN! he didnt know what he had done. i said, do not come into my room ever again unless i say its okay. oh, oops. yeah oops you stupid freak.
positive positive must be more positive...
yesterday i made use of the backyard. we have an actual patch of grass back there, maybe 20 feet squared or so. i stare at it sometimes out my bedroom windows, imagining playing badminton or having a barbeque. neither is likely to happen, considering i hate c.e. and brian is a workaholic. but, on the positive side, it is a nice, full patch of grass to lay on. last night i went for a run, and then stretched and laid down on the grass. i listened to my sweep the leg johnny cd and looked up at the stars. it was very beautiful and peaceful.
im glad ive arranged my life in such a way that i have free time. there seems to be a spectrum into which one falls. there are the workaholics, the overachievers. they work and work and work and succeed and achieve so much, but at the expense of those private, calm, do-nothing moments. then there are the people who undershoot. they work and work and work at shitty jobs for shitty pay, and never have the time or money to take a day off. i feel like ive chosen a very comfortable, pliable path.
today i attended the first day of middle school. i met katie, my cooperating teacher for the semester. we will be working with seventh graders. i was pleasantly suprised with the kids. they're so much more childish than the high schoolers i dealt with last year. in some ways, it is easier to interact with the 12 year olds because there is a sharper distinction between us. i can smile at them, help them, advise them, listen to them...and there's none of the pressure i felt in the high school to be chosen or liked or thought of as cool.
12 year olds don't even grasp the concept of me as a possible peer or friend. i'm like a towering monster. they're just thinking, is she nice or not? will she listen to me or not? can i trust her or not? it's so much different than the 16 year olds, who were thinking, is she cool or a dork? does she earn my respect or not? am i better than her? i guess it's hard to put into words exactly, but i sense the difference.
we explained the schedules and lockers, we played games, we handed out pencils and notebooks, we repeated directions over and over again, we shushed and whispered and reassured. there were so many adults in the room. it was a double class, but still i never had 2 teachers, a special ed teacher, an english-as-a-second-language teacher, a teaching assistant, and a student teacher all in the same room before.
middle school teachers put on a show. they are so peppy. their facial expressions are very exaggerated. they are more like elementary school teachers than high school.
i think that teaching will do me a lot of good. im forced to be aware of my surroundings. who doesn't get the directions? who's goofing around? who has a good idea? who's a little down today? i have to pull myself out of my self-obsessed mindset. i have to present myself to people - maybe not put on the sesame street show like the other teachers, but at least exhibit calmness, energy, and enthusiasm.
i was thinking the other day that perhaps i should be a nurse instead. you get to work with people, and there are a lot of opportunities for higher education in nursing. but then i realized i wouldn't get those awesome summer vacations every year. i figure, if i get sick of public school, i can try doing adult education, like in a prison or community college.
