2005-01-04 - 4:31 p.m.
i'm feeling better today. maybe i needed more time to recover from force-fed education and family holidays.
today i have this strange emotional energy. i don't know what to do with it. i'm like in that weepy mood, and everything is so beautiful and tragic and bright.
i've been fascinated lately with my fascination for brian. i never tire of inspecting and experiencing him. sometimes i want him to leave, just so i can eat cookies or masturbate or watch crappy tv. but for the most part, i'd like him to always be near, just existing somewhere nearby.
sara gave me her polaroid camera. each picture costs about a dollar, so i've been frugal. so far, i've taken only three pictures, and of course they've all been of brian. i got one of him in his old hoody, the one he wore when i first met him. i love that hoody, soft and torn and smelling like brian and tide.
when i was still crushing brian, and he didn't know, i once tried to get a whiff of him. i learned about pheromones in a sex ed class, and i wanted to see if we were a match. so, while he was sitting at my friend's computer, i leaned over and took a deep, furtive breath. the results, i remember, were indecisive, so i dreamt of the perfect smell i know so well now.
the other two pictures were failed attempts of capturing a brian nude. i keep telling him, what's the purpose of having a polaroid camera if we're not going to make porn with it? but he thinks he's fat or something. anyway, i got a graceful shot of his torso, with his chest facing forward, and his head turned down and to the side. he looks femme and smooth and sexy.
today i tried to get a picture of him right out of the shower, but he was onto me. so i got a shot of him scowling at me, holding his towel daintily up to his nipples. it's a great picture because his hair is sticking straight up to one side, and his eyes are fierce and his lips angry and pouty.
so i have this emotional energy i don't know what to do with. i've been doing a little "professional development," reading a book about teaching. it's getting me a little more excited about my inevitable career, which begins now in less than a year.
maybe i'll reread some virginia woolf.
