2005-07-27 - 10:57 a.m.
brian is dumping me. he's been doing it incrementally over the past two months or so.
first, he was really depressed all the time. he was no fun and wouldn't pay attention to me. i tried to be understanding, and help him with his existential issues.
then, he told me he doesn't believe in love anymore. therefore, he doesn't love me. but i shouldn't take it personally.
after a couple weeks, he kind of took back his don't believe in love comment. but, he kept talking about how he has to be alone. he thinks he should always be alone - that's the way he is "made."
he said doomsday shit about our relationship. he said he always knew our relationship would end badly. he said he can't make me happy. sounds like a fucking self-fulfilling prophecy to me.
who the hell decided that he gets to say whether i'm happy or not????????
there were a few pathetic days where i would ask him periodically, "are you still my boyfriend?" or "how much are you with me? what percent?" he'd answer "i don't know" every time.
finally, i said, if you don't know, then you're not my boyfriend. you have to be at least 95% with me. you can't straddle the fence on this issue. i have to leave myself some dignity.
so now we're "friends." potentially, "friends with benefits." benefits so far have included:
(1) very bad sex after brian made me go to a wedding with him. i drunkenly manipulated him to try to feel powerful.
(2) very good sex on the hottest night of the summer. i had just taken an ice cold shower, so my skin was cold. he got me off, because he felt bad about the bad sex we had a couple days before. that felt amazing, and, predictably, a little while later we had tandem sex, which was also amazing.
but now i'm feeling conflicted about the benefits thing. i think it might be degrading to me, since i don't want to be split up in the first place.
i'm sad and disappointed, and i don't know what to do.
