2005-02-20 - 4:04 p.m.
my last entry was super depressing, and i'm basically in the exact same spot, but i'm trying to be more zen about the whole thing.
just one week left in february, then there's march-april-may plus a week or so of june. i'll call it 3.5 months left.
i'm considering the next 3.5 months a wash. i've set myself into drift mode...i plan to let the cruise control just pull me through.
last weekend, after my miserable friday, was actually very nice. brian didn't work, and so we spent the days together, and went out with friends on saturday night.
this friday, i had that same yuckiness. after i get home from the middle school, i try to stay up and occupy myself, but i fall asleep by 5pm, and can't get up for about 3 hours. then i get up and it's dark out and i feel groggy and disgusting. so my fridays are a wash, that's for sure.
saturday, yesterday, wasn't bad. i slept til noon with Brian, totalling over 15 hours of sleep. we spent the afternoon shopping and doing errands. then he went to work, and i stayed home knitting my first sock and watching "Wickedly Perfect." then i went out with Luke and Greg. we went to Genna's for a couple T&Ts, and then met Sarah and Danielle at the Crystal Corner, which was great since that place is so close to my house.
so saturday nights, i usually have some drunken fun. it's not completely satisfying though, because we always do the bar thing, and i get annoyed by the smoke and noise. these people still feel a bit like friends-of-friends, but soon enough i might feel like i have enough power to convince them to do something more interesting - like bowling or a barbeque or skinnydipping or something.
i'm at the same place i was at age 18. i remember being in the dorm, thinking the same thought, "i need to be passionate, i need to find out what i can be passionate about." except now, i think that i have more ownership over that thought. now i feel more responsible for myself, less whiney and helpless.
it is hard for me, though, to know what i love. i always second-guess myself. i rationalize myself further and further away from instinct, until i don't have it in sight anymore.
if the next 3.5 months are a wash, how can i use them to figure out what to do when they are over?
