2004-06-28 - 2:47 p.m.
after a short banishment of this online journal, i am back. perhaps because full and thorough banishment was supposed to involve printing off all my (holy shit!) 108! previous entries. ah yes, once again, sheer laziness is what keeps me going.
sheer laziness got me through college, it even got me halfway deep into this teacher certification program. too lazy to find real masseuse work?, to dig knuckles deep into rich, sore flesh? sidetrack! grasp the limbo that is college life! oh, but now the degree is had. shoot. snap. now what? grad school? eek! oh, right, why not just teach the marginally important stuff you just bathed in while in limbo those past three years.
back to the original topic - banishment. i decided to switch over to a pen and ink journal. where i keep my real name. pyrena is an important part of me, but its just a fragment. like a performing part of myself. not that very many people read the pyrena entries. but still, there is a constant awareness of audience.
i love my pen and ink journal. im notorious for searching blank book aisles for hours, laboring over the important purchasing decision, agonizing over the perfect pen with the perfect ink flow to match the perfect pages of a perfect journal - only to fill a few pages and forget about it. this time im paying back the damages. im seeking atonement! i found an old, water-stained spiral notebook with half the pages ripped out, but also boasting a pretty green cover. i've vowed to fill every page before i move on to a prettier book.
looks like i'll have to stick to old spirals for awhile, though. my budget is a tight three dollars a day for the rest of the summer. im several hundred dollars in the hole. i begged bits of the chunk i owe off of mom, dad, and brian. but in the fall i should get 350 for writing fellows, and 750 for the scholarship i won.
the old spiral is a bit more therapeutic, a bit more in depth than this performance journal. i write out all the embarrassing thoughts, well most anyway. i ponder mundane crises and typical life challenges. often, i resort to lists... im even consulting self-help type books on journaling (these books do two jobs in one - therapy and ideas for lesson plans!)
im thinking ill keep pyrena alive. she tends to put together (sometimes) concise little tidbits with beginnings, ends, and somewhat entertaining quality. as my noisy, musical neighbors say; the show must go on!
