2004-05-09 - 2:42 a.m.
this was certainly an interesting evening...
first of all - i cannot believe erik is leaving! hes been with me at madison since day 1! and now, after 5 years, what am i going to do without him?
he had his grand finale going away get-together tonight. so many people showed up, its so amazing how erik is able to bring people together. we started at his house, and then moved down to the come back inn.
i wasnt even going to go. as usual, i felt glued to the house, watching extreme makeover home edition. but ive missed out on a lot of social things over the years, and something told me to just go. so i did.
everything went smoothly and normally. i talked to a lot of people. i actually felt comfortable. hardly ever stressed, no anxiety. actually having fun and laughing.
resh wants michelle and i to come over for girls night. like face masks and movies and such.
this is where the newness and weirdness began.
it was closing time, and michelle came to sit closer to me. we were talking, and she blurted something out about wanting to have dated women, but was sidetracked by her long term boyfriend. i was startled, but pleased, because i could share my exact same experience with her. we discussed the whole bisexual thing, the poor gay men have to deal with feces thing, and the women are just more beautiful thing.
i didnt think anything of it.
then the crowd moved out of the bar, into the street, strolling slowly towards the fried chicken cart quite a distance away. i told michelle i would give her a ride home, since i didnt drink anything, and she lost her walking buddy.
we were talking with erik, and she blurted something again. she said that i was "foxy." strange. i just sort of laughed, and she looked embarrassed, but also laughed.
tori and michelle wanted to stop at my house to pee. on the way up to the house, michelle told me that when she met me she thought i was cute and that i was gay and supposedly tried to flirt with me. WHAT?!?!?! i was totally shocked. i had the most stupid response. i was like, "oh, well you were half right, i guess. lesbians seem to think i am gay, they always look surprised when i mention my boyfriend..."
god i am so stupid. i should have at least returned the compliment. i should have told her that she was cute. that was so rude.
but we just talked about tricking the lesbians, then she and tori peed, and i told her she should check the chicken place out, since it is somewhat of a madison novelty.
now i am home alone at 3 in the morning, wishing brian was here so i could tell him all about it. what am i going to do next time i see her? suddenly i feel fat, that is so irrational. should i mention this to her? should i reassure her that i think she is attractive too? does she feel shunned or ashamed or unnattractive now? am i completely insensitive?????
she is very cute. of course i noticed that. she is part asian, so she is tiny...im not sure id want to get involved with her. id want someone my own size. but she doesnt need to know that. i could just return the compliment, remind her that we both have boyfriends, and leave it at that.
poo, i hope brian doesnt decide to stay late after work tonight. he shouldve been home by now, shit. i guess he is going to be out til 4 or 5. ARGHHHHH! i need someone to talk to about this.
why do people think i am a lesbian? how could you possibly tell by looking? is it because i am "big-boned"? is it my face somewhere? do people catch me checking out women? like i said, it is half true... but i had no idea that michelle was bi. what the hell?!!?
