2004-03-27 - 12:40 p.m.
as i was saying, i went out again last night. i actually did make a small effort to contact other human beings for possible social interaction...but i really wanted to go outside, and chris didnt answer and lynda had some indoor shit going on and erik is out of town.
i listened to cadallaca, which made the dark less scary. i guess its pretty dumb to sacrifice that sensory mechanism when i should be listening for violent creeping footsteps, heavy perverted breathing.
i walked east down mifflin, towards the apartment we will be renting in august. i always have my eye on the future, like there is some happiness there that i dont have just yet. i fantasized about the large open porch we will have, dreamed of climbing out of my bedroom window with a friend, music, some beer, and just sitting, sitting, watching, talking...
the walk felt great. moving, crisp air. very nice. i felt beautiful for once. constant motion helps me feel that way. also, memories of things my students said/did...joe's compliment, caitlin's nice words, ein's wonderful presence.
it was a mile, i think, from Butler down to Baldwin. i turned right on baldwin, to see what would be close by, especially on Willy st. the co-op is so close! and St. Vinny's too. i feel like i will never want to leave this place. (this place that isnt even mine yet!)
i wandered down Spaight until i hit the end, right at the lake. it was dark and scary, but i defied it, i embraced my rights as a human being, and i sat down on a bench to look out on the lake. i love the smell of water - it must be from growing up in milwaukee. it was nice to sit and think. i did crave some companionship though, i really wanted to talk to ein for some reason. he is like a ghost in my life, which makes him so appealing.
but now to the important part: the ducks. soon after i parked my ass on the bench, the images of ducks feeding on the grass in front me began to emerge from the darkness. there must have been at least ten ducks, male and female, beaks in the grass, or straight up in the air, swallowing. i watched them closely...they began to make me feel better. one male duck kept looking at me wildly, and slowly moving closer. i thought, he must be afraid of me. but also, he thinks i might have food. strange to think of my image as a signal for food dispensing.
the ducks came closer and closer. i felt secure and taken care of. i knew if some pervert were creeping up behind me, the ducks would let me know, would flutter away.
so maybe thats why i saw the ducks in the sky the other night. i have to think this through some more.
people i miss badly...amanda (before the change), chris (before the change), ein (although i never knew him), dan (i will see him soon i hope).
