2004-03-27 - 10:51 a.m.
ups and downs lately. as always. menstrual effect? i dunno.
sex is so important it keeps me from being happy. ish. i mean, id be on antidepressants if it werent for the nonorgasm "side" effect.
but feeling bad is sometimes so pure and intense, its just as interesting as feeling good. and would i feel as many "goods" if i were on pills? probably not.
i was feeling bad the other day, so i made an escape. ive been planning an escape for awhile now, but i didnt have the nerve. i couldnt bring myself to leave the house. i felt cemented to the floor. i could walk TO class or TO the store, but i couldnt just go out and walk.
i need those walks so badly, i dont know why its so hard to let go.
using him as a crutch, i tried to get brian to go with me to the park. he rolled his eyes and detained the walk. during the detainment period, i managed to pick a fight with him. well, he picked the fight. i just brought up a sensitive topic that i really need to talk to him about. it went poorly. he blew up, and i couldnt stop smiling. it escalated to the point where my smile disintegrated, and my anger catapulted me out the door.
thank god.
it was damp, but warmish out. hoody weather - my favorite kind. i went to the park, to the swings. the freedom was a bit tainted by my wish that brian would romantically follow me, find me. but the moment was also sweetened by my sure knowledge that he would never do it.
i got tired of swinging, so i walked down to the lake. i stood on the edge of the pavement that runs right up to the water. i leaned on a cement post so i wouldnt fall in when i stood so close that all i could see was dark water and dark cloudy night sky. i squeezed the world out of my periphery. it was like swimming.
i heard birds in the sky, but couldnt see them for the clouds. then something amazing happened. i had been watch one or two lone birds fluttering around, struggling against the wind. but eventually way way up, i saw a whole flock of birds, very black and tiny, materialize in the sky, and then dematerialize back into the clouds. this happened over and over again; there must have been hundreds of birds up there. i thought they were geese, i wondered what it meant to me. i couldnt think of anything profound.
that was thursday evening. after the walk, i knit quite happily, listening to Cadallaca on my head phones. i resented brians inneptness. erik called to see if i wanted to walk with him to the Come Back In. i said id meet him there; i was in the middle of something. i realized i was still waiting for brian to find me. knowing he would never come to me, i went to his room and found him sleeping with his face smooshed into the bed. "its what i do when im depressed," he said. innept, i said. we made up, as usual. i dropped him off at work, and had a pretty good time at the Come Back.
last night, friday night, i was supposed to do work. i have a shit-ton of papers to grade, both for school and for Writing Fellows. instead i seduced brian and then dropped him off at work. feeling hot and trapped in the apartment, i made my second escape.
to be continued.
