2004-03-18 - 9:41 p.m.
just came back from the come back inn. thursday night regulars. i hang out with irregularily.
erik did call me i suppose. for dinner even. not like brandon. he told him not to come til 8:30. so that means im loved, right?
i tried to make erik pinky swear he would leave at 10 with me. he wouldnt do it. he said "i have a lot of friends here." and he was right i guess.
but when i stood up to leave, he tried to hold me to our pact. but there was no pact, so i just left. i wanted to leave earlier, but it wouldve been too depressing and pathetic to get up when no one was talking to me or noticing me. i waited patiently until i could hook myself into a conversation, and then, once i felt slightly accepted, i announced my departure.
its all to protect myself. why do i like erik so much? why do i depend on him, cling to him? because he likes me, and that feels secure. erik likes everyone. hes very cheap.
and i miss brian "so much." or am i just lonely and unable to deal with my self by myself? i wonder if i really love him, if there is really something about him that i love. or if i just love the fact that he pays attention to me.
my hair stinks like smokers exhalations. i would love a cig right now. ive been craving ever since i got home today. for days, weeks, months, really. i had to watch movies in three classes in a row today. beloved, thirteen, and american beauty. all good, dark, depressing movies.
i felt like total hell driving home from school. just crying. imagining what would happen if brian never came back. feeling myself revert back to age 19, living alone, dying in that dank little co-op room. i even did that nasty puke thing. jesus, i just did that last sunday. its been months though, i think. i guess once a puker always a puker. it definately hurts, when i do it too much. but i have to say, a few times a year, its really what i need. after i was done today, i scoped, scrubbed out the toilet, cleaned up the living room, and felt a hell of a lot better. good almost, chipper almost.
maybe its because in that stupid movie about thirteenagers, that girl cut herself. i wonder if cutters get over it and grow up to be occasional cutters. in times of stress only. or in times of boredom. there must be other functional bulemics out there. i mean, if theres such a thing as a functional heroin addict, there must be a functional version of just about anything.
if the weather was nicer, i believe id take a walk. it would just barely be dark out, if this were summer.
summer is time to show skin. my shins are a mess, although they are looking a little better. ive done p10 pretty diligently just a couple times in a row, and im feeling better, tighter, sexier. maybe i will be ready to take off the hoody, when the time comes this year.
