2003-11-17 - 11:11 p.m.
what is a real lesbian? is bisexuality for real?
i feel like im attracted to women, but i cant identify those feelings before my freshman year of college. i guess there was one girl at my high school i used to look at a lot, and i told my boyfriend i liked the way she dressed, and he accused me of being a lesbian, and i adamently denied it. BUT i always loved boys. boy after boy after boy after boy. boys on top of boys. even in elementary school, i vividly remember a premature little sexual fantasy that involved two boys at once. how hetero can a girl get, fantasizing about a two boy threesome at age eleven?
and ive never loved a woman in any real way. but maybe ive just never had the chance. theres girls i think i might like. but theyre probably only into boys. im scared of the super-out lesbians. id rather have an almost gay person like myself.
plus i really love dick. oh yes. id end up making my girlfriends wear strap ons. is that what lesbians do? i dont even know what a normal lesbian sex life consists of.
ive found that the best way to masturbate is alone with a victoria secrets catalogue. i hate myself for objectifying impossible women. but it works so well, and i can see why guys love porn so much. i remember jerking off to a playgirl in high school, and i guess that worked ok. but now i cant imagine wanting to look at a naked guy more than a half-naked woman.
but this is weird. im mostly attracted to stomachs and pelvises. is that bizaar? does that make me a nonlesbian? am i just obsessed with being skinny? but how could that obsession turn me on? im not really into tits or asses. well, i do like little tits i suppose. sometimes i pretend brians little titties are real tits, although the nipple hair usually ruins it. i should find out what real lesbians are into, that might clarify things for me.
theres this girl in english with me, she might be gay, but i cant tell. shes young, like 20 maybe, but she seems wise and cynical. shes overweight by about twenty pounds or so. i saw her running the other day. she just got a haircut that makes her look way cuter. i wonder if i would be capable of that, of being with her, if thats what she wanted. i dont know.
